everydayjoes.com

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long
hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air
waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the
ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb
the tree again, jumps again, and

Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished
I said, “This may hurt a little, Doc…I don’t have any money.”

—

“I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing any

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had
imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although
this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res-
taurant. Sud

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the
little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
“Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please…please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to
stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the
man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a
dangerous job. Don’t you e

True bravery is arriving home late after a guy’s
night out, being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and still having the guts to ask:
“Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was
extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments,
she said, “Don’t forget to use wooden spoons.”

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the
mystery of the w

Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

Hourly rate: $10.50

Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and “help”: $20.00

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced
to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news:
“We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do
they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”